My Life as a Celebrity Chef 

(aka Uncoo Bwett)

“On today’s show, we’ll be making the celebrated delicacy known in my college apartment as, ‘Brett’s amazing breakfast scrambled eggs for stuffing into a tortilla and then in your mouth’.” 

The studio audience, wide eyed with mouth slightly agape, was all mine. It was going to be a good show. 

Ok, fine, so I’m not really a celebrity chef, and I was in my sister’s kitchen. But, my audience was paying complete and total attention as I poised the cracked egg above the frying pan and with a flick sent the yoke and white plopping onto the skillet to sizzle. It worked! My two year old niece Oaklee, bibbed and strapped into her seat at the bar was delighted. 

The show went on, with the addition of shredded cheese sprinkled on like yellow and white confetti, peppers, and diced lunch meat. My explanation of the admittedly complex and painstaking process clearly left her amazed and in awe that she should be born into a family of such stratospheric talent. Why else would she be scratching her head with her fork? 

After the show was over, we enjoyed the fruits of our labor. Oaklee tried at first to fare in a dignified manner on the sumptuous cuisine, but the sensations aroused by my work proved too much for her still developing table manners. Soon she gave in and just attacked it until what I had set aside for her was gone. So, I gave her some of mine. 

I didn’t realize until she was strangely silent and her whole face started quivering that she wasn’t quite used to Jalisco’s Mexican Extra Hot Sauce. She recovered quickly though, and has actually developed a refined taste for the finer (read ‘spicier’) things in life.  

Being an uncle may be the closest I’ll ever get to being a celebrity chef, but that’s ok. The experience is far better than any episode of ‘Iron Chef’. Sharing the fascination of watching water boil for the first time as my niece grips my hair tightly while sitting on my shoulders, or mixing the cheese powder in with the macaroni, and learning how to use a fork to eat the macaroni blows them all out of the water. For me, that’s the best rating a guy could get.